Journal Entry

Here is a journal entry I wrote from Michael's perspective.

Dear Journal, May 12, 2008

All right, I'll admit it. Today sucked. Lately things have been going downhill. I just don't seem to have much of an appetite anymore which is extremely painful because I absolutely love to eat. Not being able to chomp into a thick piece of juicy steak really stinks. The docs keep trying to get rid of my nauseousness, but nothing seems to help. I figure if I've dealt with it this long though, I can endure it awhile longer. My shortness of breath is still causing me some trouble, but that's nothing new. Right now the ischemic injury in my lungs is what's causing the most trouble. Basically, certain blood capillaries were damaged during the transplant, restricting the oxygen supply to my lungs.7 If you ever try holding your nose while breathing in and out of a straw, that's pretty much what it feels like for me to breathe right now.

I was extremely nervous and felt sick to my stomach when Dr. Trulock came into my room today. Bad news was bound to be coming. He plainly stated that the only thing that would help me at this point in time would to be re-listed for another duel lung transplant. My heart dropped when I heard the news. I felt sick to my stomach. Memories of long, grueling hours in the hospital, extreme chest pain, and anxiety attacks came flooding back.

It's beyond frustrating that I will need another transplant this soon. Getting my chest ripped open once was enough for me. But, if that's what it'll take to get me back to my old lovable self, then that's what I'll do. At least I'll know what to expect this time around....

The days are going by in a blur. Time seems to go by so fast here, between all the stays in the hospital. I'm losing track of the days. My life seems to be passing me by. All I want to do is go back to my home in Kettering and wrap up in a big blanket on top of the heater in our family room. Now that would be amazing. Relaxing and keeping warm on the heater is something I miss a lot. However, it's my friends and family I miss the most. It's hard being away from my dad, Erin, and Robert, but I'm blessed to have my mom here with me. It's lucky that we both get along so well or else this situation in St. Louis would really suck. She's been beyond wonderful though, and I can't imagine what I'd do without her.

As bad as my situation may seem right now, I know that it could be a lot worse. I am still alive and will therefore continue to fight. I owe that much to my family, friends, and to the person who donated these current lungs. Saying that I'm ready to start living again is an understatement. These lungs are making me feel trapped, and are holding me back from just living my life. I feel like I'm a ball of potential energy ready to explode if I could just get that right set of lungs.

Thankfully, my mom and I are going to surprise my dad in a few days with a trip back home to Ohio. A little visit before I'm re-listed is very necessary. I'm so excited to see everyone and to simply be at my REAL home for a few days.
~Michael